


Ashes to Ashes

by Meelah



Series: Ghost Stories [5]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Ben-Hassrath, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Mind Control, Mind Games, Psychological Trauma, Qun, Qunari, Seheron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 08:58:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5737570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meelah/pseuds/Meelah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ash's story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ashes to Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> _Ich komm wieder_   
>  _in zehn Tagen_   
>  _als dein Schatten_   
>  _und werd dich jagen_   
>  _Asche zu Asche_   
>  _und Staub zu Staub_   
>  _—Rammstein, "Asche zu Asche"_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _(I will return / in ten days / as your shadow / and I will hunt you down_  
>  _Ashes to ashes / And dust to dust)_  
>  This is my soundtrack to Ash, along with a lot of the whole Herzeleid album.

It is clear to the tamassrans from the beginning that the girl is behind it. 

It's not the first time, but this time there is injury, and there could have been death. The girl stands there, calm, and watches the healer treat the boy's wound while the other boy is on the ground on his knees swaying a little, with a tamassran's hand on his shoulder.

"What happened?" the tamassrans ask the attacker.

"He was hiding the apples," the boy says, staring at the ground. "He should have shared them with us. When I asked him to, he tried to run."

"Why did you not share the apples with everyone?" the tamassrans ask the wounded boy in turn.

“I wanted to save them,” the boy says. “If there’s going to be a draught like last year, I don’t want to go hungry again.”

Tamassrans look at him surprised, for previous year’s harvest had been plentiful and the apple trees near the nursery had been heavy with fruit. But the boy clings to his memory, and it isn’t until the re-educator comes that they figure out why. When they call the girl in, she’s unrepentant.

“You changed his memories,” the re-educator says, looking at the girl. “Who taught you to do that?”

“No one,” the girl shrugs. “I figured out how to do it myself.” 

When asked for the reason, the girl just shrugs again.

“He was straying from the path, and would have eventually,” she says. "All I did was to make him do it now, so that he can be fixed."

The girl’s tamassran shakes her head. “Imekari, how can you know? He's just a child.”

But the re-educator raises her hand.

"We will take the girl," she says.

***

The girl is ten when she starts the Ben-Hassrath training, whole two years younger than her classmates. They learn fighting and self-defence, and the girl, physically weaker, has the disadvantage but it only makes her fight twice as hard. She trains with the Dangerous Purpose division with a special permission from the Viddasala and it is clear from the beginning that her special talent lies with the re-education and mind crafting. 

The girl thrives in her education, she loves to learn and dedicates herself to the Qun with her whole being. She can recite Koslun's teachings by heart and does so frequently, and she is one of the few who ask to be assigned to Seheron.

***

Seheron is different to what she expects. No longer a girl but a woman now, she had thought herself ready but nothing could have prepared her for the black chaos that is Seheron.

On her first day, the settlement is attacked and she gets caught between Tevinter mages and the saarebas and only escapes by sheer luck and with a sacrifice of a soldier who throws himself between her and the Tevinter spell. She cradles the soldier in her arms until she's taken away and last thing she sees are the soldier's unseeing eyes staring and the frozen smile on his face.

The smile stays with her a long time.

At first she thinks of it as his happiness for fulfilling his role, for sacrificing himself for the Qun. But the coming months and years bring many soldiers to her — some of them voluntarily to seek relief from the crushing pressure and doubt, some of them come because they're ordered to do so by their superiors. None of them smile when she fixes them and sends them back into the battlefield, and even though they're not crying anymore, neither does she see joy.

Joy, joy…

She dedicates herself to research and learning to make the soldiers joyful again. She studies their minds and makes tweaks, sends them out. She expects praise for her work, but instead the commanders and peers of her happy soldiers seem uneasy with the change and in many cases her soldiers are shunned by the rest of the group. No, the results are not what she expects — her soldiers, now conditioned to love the Qun, become suicidal in their need to consolidate their love and being ostracised by their brothers. First few kill themselves by attacking the enemy head on in hopeless attacks which are ambiguous enough not ring alarm bells, but the first one that kills himself by throwing himself of a cliff raises enough concern that she's forced to halt her experiments.

It is the first time she's subjected to re-educators in her own mind. 

The experience leaves her unsettled even though her actions are cleared. She's ordered to discuss any changes she plans to make to the re-education protocol with her peers and superiors, and she's re-assigned to a new settlement. This one is closer to the front lines, and she gets into contact with Tal-Vashoth for the first time.

In her need to understand she delves deep into the minds of these beasts, for that's how they seem to her. Not to know the Qun is one thing, but quite another to know and deliberately abandon it, and there she finds a new target for her dedication. But before she's had fully time to delve into her work again, she's called back to Par Vollen.

***

She spends a whole year in Par Vollen, and misses Seheron every second of it.

She has been chosen for the tamassran's breeding program and gets pregnant by large hornless Ben-Hassrath agent who's face she forgets as soon as he's gone. She's had lovers on Seheron and sex means nothing to her — the pregnancy is just an inconvenience preventing her from returning to work. She uses the time to study with some of the older re-educators, and witnesses several mind wipes by the tamassrans using qamek. She spends her spare time hiking and working on her physical training.

When the child is born she feels nothing for her, but breastfeeds the baby for a month as per the tamassrans' orders. She hands the baby over when asked, and doesn't look back. The only thing she can think of is to get back to Seheron, and put to use all that she has learned.

***

Seheron.

She had forgotten the unique smell of the rotting rain forests and blood and magic that permeates the island, it hits her as soon as she steps off the boat. She doesn't even wait till the next day to start her work.

She expects to find Tal-Vashoth minds to be chaotic and broken, and some are. Some are twisted and black and broken, she knows there's nothing she can do anymore, but those are not the minds that interest her. She hands them off to the tamassrans, for the Qun wastes nothing, and she never sees them again. 

But some Tal-Vashoth minds are surprisingly clear.

She meets profound thinkers with completely clear minds who see the impossibility of the Qun, and reach for other logic outside it. First time it happens is with a tall beautiful dark skinned warrior with twisted horns, and she reads the knots on his antaam-saar: bravery, honesty, wisdom. She laughs at the absurdity but his gaze doesn't falter, and even when his eyes eventually go blank as she unfolds his mind layer after layer until it is no more, she doesn't forget the pureness of his thoughts.

Next time she's more careful. She questions the man on his beliefs — maybe he sees something in her because he tells her of his wife and children and then pleads for her to spare him. She doesn't, she's twice as vicious ripping his vile thoughts apart. But back in her quarters at night she weeps for the first time in her life.

She's chosen to breed again and this time she begs of them to let her carry out her pregnancy on Seheron, _for the Qun_ , she argues and tamassrans agree. The real reason for her request she doesn't admit even to herself for few more months.

She hunts for Tal-Vashoth with Arvaarad and becomes exceedingly good at predicting their actions. Tal-Vashoth are known to be hard to capture alive as many of them try to kill themselves rather that return to the Qun, but she knows ways around it. She makes herself invaluable and takes care of interrogating the prisoners herself. Unlike the ones she sends away, every single one of the sane Tal-Vashoth are burned into her memories. She meets a woman, seven months pregnant just like she is — her white hair dirty and matted but her eyes clear and full of purpose. 

"I'd rather kill myself than let another child fall to the Qun!" the woman hisses, swaying in her chains.

"Suffering has a cause, and an ending," she replies. "Everyone can be free of suffering, that is beauty of the Qun. Let me help you."

The prisoner laughs, and as much as she wants to believe it, the laugh is not mad. "There's only one way to end _this_ suffering, and it is not your _role_ to give me that," she says, pulling on her bindings, looking for a way out. "You're pregnant, is this what you want for your child? An endless suffering without a reason? Because that's what the Qun gives you. At least I was—" her voice falters for a second before she lifts her gaze up again. "—at least as a free woman _I_ was _happy_."

The woman _was_ happy, she finds later. _Freedom_ , she tastes the word in her mouth and touches her belly. She feels something for this unborn child, then, and wonders what it would be like to see him grow up. A plan starts to hatch in her mind. She starts to interrogate her prisoners of the ways they escaped.

Opportunity comes with the battle of Akhaaz. In the following chaos she's not the only one of her people to run towards the shore, and she catches a boat with two antaam and sits on the bow of the boat silent for the day it takes them to reach shores of Tevinter. All three of them part ways afterwards, and she never sees them again.

***

She meets another Tal-Vashoth in Markham. The man is as wide as a barn and has very unusual wide horns, and he's dozing off on a bench at the bus station. Homeless but not wild, she decides looking at his clothes, and she sits next to him quietly. The man opens his eyes and looks at her. She nods a little and they sit in silence for few moments.

"Going somewhere?" he asks, finally. 

"Kirkwall," she says not looking at him. "I hear they take in refugees."

He doesn't say anything for a while.

"Seheron?" he asks, then there's a slight tremor in his hand when he rubs the stubble on his chin.

She nods, and then opens her cloak to show the man her belly. The man gives her a thoughtful look and nods a little.

"I heard your chances are better if you say you're immigrating," he says. "They can still take you in, even without papers. If you have skills."

She calculates his voice, his tones. Not antaam. Ariqun… Ben-Hassrath, then. 

"And do you?" she asks.

"I have been known to be useful," he says lightly. "Pretty sure I can talk myself in. You?"

"I can talk, too," she says and smiles a little.

She knows she could fool him for awhile, but not forever. The man seems intelligent and generous, and she knows she can use that as she will need help soon. The baby is going to give her another month, at most. What would be the most sure way to get him to help?

"I had to get away," she whispers. "For the baby."

Something in the man's posture changes and she knows she has read him right.

"Maybe if we could stick together, until Kirkwall?" she asks. "I've been having dizzy spells for the past few days. Normally I wouldn't be worried but when it's just me…"

"No problem," the man says. "I'm glad to help."

***

 _The Iron Bull_ , he calls himself. She chooses the name _Ash_ and laughs at her own joke — Ashkaari Koslun would surely roll in his grave, and is her skin also not the colour of ash, too? She suggests they'll find a place to live together, _just initially until I find something else_ , and he agrees. First night in their new home she tells him about who she used to be and his nostrils flare a little but he listens. What she tells him is true, and only lies are by omission. When he tells her who he used to be she's glad she stuck to the truth. 

The Iron Bull likes sex, and Ash enjoys sex with him too, and even though her pregnancy makes things challenging, the Iron Bull is inventive and kind. She doesn't mention finding a new place and neither does he bring it up. He's there when she goes into labour and helps her through it, calm and patient. He even offers to put his name down as the father but she refuses, citing not wanting to burden him because _who knows what the future brings_. 

Initially Ash had planned to stay until the baby was old enough that he could be left with a nanny, but somewhere during the first six months of Issala's life her plan changes. Maybe it's watching Issala and the Iron Bull napping, the baby laying on his chest, raising and falling with his steady breathing. Maybe it's the look in his eyes when he looks at the child, even after a long day at work he can't wait to pick him up and feed him while Ash gets her long overdue shower. Maybe it's the way that he looks at her when she lets the towel fall and follows her into the bedroom. Or maybe it's the way he cries against her bosom when he wakes up from one his nightmares, uncontrollably shaking and weeping.

 _Let me help you_ , she says one night. _I could fix that, make sure you never have another nightmare again._ He refuses at first as she knew he would, but she asks him again the next night. This time he hesitates and she tells him of all the soldiers she's helped, and how much happier lives they led. The night after that he agrees and makes her promise not to change anything else, just ease the pain enough so that he can sleep.

The Iron Bull's mind is fascinating, and maybe that is what Ash falls in love with.

She does as she promised, and dulls the pain. What she finds is not unusual for Seheron veterans, but she's used to seeing this kind of damage in warriors who've been on Seheron for a year or two — to find out that the Iron Bull has spent almost a decade there is a shock even to her. She can't help but go deeper and out of habit she sets up a backdoor, a command she can use to open his mind again should she ever need it.

***

Jealousy is not something Ash has ever felt before, and it takes her awhile to recognise the emotion. 

It's that strange burning sensation in her gut when she watches the Iron Bull flirt with Malika, and that night she plants a single memory in his mind of him seeing Malika kick a stray dog. The memory is effective and she finds herself enjoying watching Malika's disappointed face when the Iron Bull ignores her at next rooftop BBQ. The temptation to do the same thing again with the next person the Iron Bull smiles at is great, but Ash picks her choices carefully, not to overdo it. 

When a disabled ex-templar moves into the building Ash is happy to see the Iron Bull take interest. Cullen is straight as an arrow and Ash isn't afraid of the Iron Bull falling in love, but sees it as an opportunity to strengthen her own relationship with him. Cullen is invited to dinners and Ash mothers him more than she's ever done with Issala. She longs to make the Iron Bull jealous and plays with the idea of planting a memory in his head of finding her and Cullen in bed, but if anything, all her years on Seheron have taught her that these kind of experiments are the most likely ones to have unexpected consequences. 

Then Cullen hits one of his rough patches when the Iron Bull is at work, and he begs for Ash to get him lyrium. It's not hard to find dealers around the local Circle Tower, and Ash watches in fascination when Cullen snorts the lyrium dust with shaking hands. The Iron Bull is livid when he finds out, and for a second Ash is afraid of him _actually_ losing control and attacking her, but he gets hold of himself just in time. For the next week he sleeps on the sofa until Ash begs him to come back promising never to repeat her actions. When the Iron Bull returns to her bed, Ash uses the opportunity to go into his mind and soothe his anger and the next day things appear to go back to normal.

It is Ash's love for the Iron Bull and his brilliant mind that clouds her judgement in the end. Had she been able to look at him objectively like she used to her other subjects, she would have seen the signs of mistrust that slowly creep in over time. The latest she should have seen it when she suggests to Cullen that she could help him with his nightmares just like she helped the Iron Bull, and she should have seen how the Iron Bull's shoulders tighten as he says 'no' before Cullen has even had the chance to open his mouth. He even cuts off Cullen's questions and takes him back upstairs before the man's hardly had time to finish his dinner. Later the Iron Bull complains about a headache and goes to bed early and Ash should have seen the trap in the making.

Instead she does exactly as the Iron Bull wants and waits until she thinks he's asleep before making her way upstairs to talk to Cullen. Cullen opens the door to her looking nervous, his hand twitching, but he lets Ash in and lets her sit down. Ash tells him then of what she can do for him, what she has done for the Iron Bull. She knows her voice should be soothing, yet the man keeps fidgeting and looking away. 

"Cullen, let me help you," Ash says and reaches out for Cullen's hand, and it is then that the door slams open.

"Get away from him," the Iron Bull says and his voice is ice cold. "Get away from him, _now_ , or I swear I'll rip your tongue out."

Ash has gone pale and she takes a step back. "I can explain!" she says, but it's too late.

He lets her stay for the night, but insists she'll start looking for a new place the next day. She pleads with him in all the ways she can, throws Issala and his well being to his face, tries her best tricks to get him to calm down. The Iron Bull is careful now, not looking at her and as soon as she changes her voice he cuts her off. In the end Ash finds a place within days and moves out — her only consolation is that Issala is coming with her, and she knows it's the only way she can hurt the Iron Bull.

It's also the only way she can think of to keep seeing him. After few weeks in her new apartment she sends the Iron Bull a message asking him to take care of Issala while she looks for a job, and he agrees. So begins an uneasy truce.

Ash knows it's only a matter of time before they're together again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm super nervous to post because I feel this one of the most crucial parts of the story so far. And now I'm dying to hear what you think of it.
> 
> Next in the reading order: [Chapter 8](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5396090/chapters/13374478).


End file.
